Pick-up lines that Really Do Work!

Hey, if you really want to impress a girl, show them that you’re witty and charming. They’ll be totally impressed when you mindlessly repeat something somebody else came up with. But the females of our species are wily and many of them can spot a corny line a mile away. So don’t use the classic ones they’ve all heard before. Try my new, totally original pick-up lines!

If you use one of these lines, please send 10 cents my way. If one works, please send $1. I think $1 is a small price to pay for at least one night not spent cold and alone, don’t you?

I don’t plan to become rich from this service, but every little bit helps me pay back that bar tab I owe for all those girls I bought a drink for, and then got scared or flustered and ran away without paying. Turns out, they have cameras at the bar and the bartender recognizes my face.

General Use

“Hey, you look just like my mom!”
Always classy.

Pick your favorite:
“If I could rewrite the alphabet…”

• “I wouldn’t have put U between TV because you broads are always interrupting the game.”
• “I’d have two B’s and two O’s, so I could put BOOBS in it. Not at the beginning, though. Closer to the middle so people don’t notice at first. That would be sweet.”
  
• “I’d put U between S, T, P, I, and D.”

Too cliché for you? Try these:

“Hey, baby. How’s about you and me go back to my place and see how many straws fit in my nose?”

“Where have you been all my life? I mean except for the last 12 years because I was in prison, and they don’t allow chicks in there. Also if we go on a date it’ll have to be a double-date with my husband.”

Here are some interactive ones for you:

“Do you rent or own?”
“Own what?”
“Those wings, you angel. Or did you steal them? Bitch.”

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Brian.”
“Brian who?”
(Punch her in the stomach.)

Or, sometimes, maybe the direct approach is best:
“Hey, you look like you like anal.”

Or sometimes you need to just show her that you’re an all-right dude:
“You know how you can tell I’m not a registered sex offender? Because if I was, I’d have to tell you. And I didn’t.”

Specific Context

In an emergency room:
“Hey. Come here often?”
(Also works in graveyards and prisons. If the two of you are locked together in a freezer waiting to be murdered by a serial killer, this line is gold.)

To a white girl:
“The holocaust was a lie.”
Most white girls know you’re really just kidding. Warning: A Jewish girl might look like she’s white but she’s not.

To a girl who you are driving home:
“Do you always get into strange men’s cars this easily? Ah-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!“

In Emergencies Only

Okay, so the girl you’ve been eyeing all night but haven’t had the guts to approach is about to leave (maybe with another guy). You’ve run out of time. You have to try something quick. So try:

“Someone in here farted and it wasn’t me.”

“Hey, do you have a condom I can borrow? It’s not what you think.”

Untested: Use With Caution

“I only have 24 hours to live and one of the things on my list of things to do before I die is to donkey punch a fat chick.”