Tom’s Guide to Alternative Undead Creatures

Hey, writers! Vampires, ghosts, and zombies are overdone. Walk into a movie theatre or bookstore and turn your head and you’ll see approximately three vampires, a ghost, and eight zombies for every forty-five degrees. It’s gotten old, people.

Why stick to these three? There’s no reason that once-living people have to come back as those three tired conventions. To that end, I give you six new types of no-longer-dead monsters for your upcoming horror and/or romance movie. Feel free to use these. My royalty fees are very reasonable.

Gush

Good names for scary creatures are ones that are also a verb. Like Spooks, Creeps, Lurches, Chuckles, or Skulks. So I went with Gush. Now, what sort of a creature would gush? I’ll tell you what. The scariest damn thing you’ve ever seen, heard, imagined, tasted, or had a mild passing interest in.

Origin

See, about a hundred twos of years ago, a witch or something got killed. No, let’s say she was a woeful widow. Or no, a ten-year old girl that died due to severe negligence. That’s usually pretty scary. And then someone cut her up into tiny pieces until she looked like relish. But because she was a witch, or because of her overpowering sorrow—no, let’s say psychic powers—she returned to life. She was the first gush.

Physical Description

A gush looks like a rolling heap of very tiny human remains.

Modus Operandi

Gushes gush about in the darkest nights when the moon is gone from the sky. When they find someone alone who has wandered far from home, they attack by smothering the victim. Each of the tiny fragments tears into human flesh like a piranha and strips them down into tiny bits. The victim then becomes a gush themselves.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Unlike a vampire, they are closely drawn to garlic. All-purpose hunters of the undead should keep their vampire-hunting and gush-hunting supplies separate. Never refer to a gush by the name Brianna. Doing so enrages them.

Gushes also hate bright light and avoid it. If light isn’t available, they can be repelled by singing or the overuse of adverbs.

How to kill it

While gushes hate light, it doesn’t really hurt or kill them. It’s merely a temporary inconvenience, like when your roommate tells you to pick him up at the hospital because he was there visiting his mother and lost his keys and you take public transit all the way down to the damn place with your copy of the key only to find out he found them after all and to make up for it he takes you to Taco Bell but all he can afford is a chili cheese burrito.

No. To kill a gush, you’ll need sawdust. It clings to the remains and forces it to clump together. Cat litter is a common alternative. A popular tactic is to suck it into a vacuum that has been pre-filled with sawdust. Once the gush is completely immobilized its spirit will stay trapped for three days after which it will break free from its confines and become a regular poltergeist. To combat a poltergeist, please consult any number of helpful online guides.

Splant

Splants are the ghosts of fruits, vegetables, grains, and other edible plants.

Origin

No one really knows for sure. One popular story goes back to a monk of unspecified religious origin, who did not believe in the consumption of anything living, and subsisted only on water. After seeing the callous nature of his fellow humans who would viciously reap potatoes from the ground and consume them, he placed a curse on the soil so that humanity would feel the vegetables’ pain.

Physical Description

A splant takes on a transparent intangible form that sporadically fades in and out of existence. They remain for seconds to hours and disappear for hours to weeks. They usually appear in a kitchen or similar food preparation area, taking on the form of their edible shape, which they consider to be the most offensive. Commonly these are a stalk of broccoli, a loaf of bread, a bowl of cream of mushroom soup, and the like.

Modus Operandi

A splant typically does what it did in life: Sit there, perfectly still, and make no noise.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Splants remain in a semi-tangible state longer when in the presence of vegans. They become weaker and scarcer when around ardent carnivores or little kids who won’t eat their vegetables.

How to kill it

Spirit teeth. It must be eaten by the ghost of a human or animal. You can also find ghost dentures or have your teeth blessed as holy weapons by a priest, but these are both expensive. Their prices start at around $2400 and 700 Hail Marys, respectively.

Teeth that are magically enhanced by a wizard or similar spellcaster can also eat splants but they have a 50% miss chance against incorporeal creatures. The only surefire way is to obtain at least +1 teeth of ghost touch which requires a caster level of at least 5th level and has a base cost of 8000 gold pieces and requires that the teeth be masterwork.

Boodaver

(A.K.A. Double Dead)

A zombie is essentially a living body without a soul, and a ghost is a soul without a body. A boodaver is both at the same time.

Origin

Boodavers are rare and only occur when a person is killed abruptly and unexpectedly with unfinished business in this world, while simultaneously being cursed back to a living death by a voodoo priest or some kind of ultra-sciency virus.

Physical Description

A boodaver looks like a rotting corpse and a floating ethereal form which detaches and reattaches from its host body, effectively possessing and dispossessing itself constantly. Each time, the body lurches from the sudden charge or discharge of energy. Sometimes this happens as often as 15 times per second. It sort of looks like how Super Mario goes crazy if you use the turbo function on your Advantage.

Modus Operandi

When a boodaver is truly motivated to kill something (whether by the complex motives of the spirit portion or just good old fashioned cravings for human flesh) it will launch a two-fold attack. The soul will try to terrify, inconvenience, or otherwise lure the target towards the body portion which happily eats the victim’s brains.

Strengths and Weaknesses

The soul portion cannot enter holy ground, such as a church. The body portion can, but usually doesn’t know what it’s doing without the soul to guide it, which sometimes leads to it bumping into holy water, which has all kinds of hilarious side effects if the soul tries to re-enter the body.

And while the soul may possess a lot of know-how, the body tends to have terrible motor control making it very lousy at martial arts manoeuvres or operating heavy machinery such as a forklift.

How to kill it

You can kill the body by piercing its brain or cutting off its head. Or you can dismiss the soul through an exorcism or similar ritual, or through extended psychiatric treatment so it can find peace and learn to move on and cross over. Once either the body or soul is dealt with, you’re pretty much left with a ghost or a zombie. Consult your local zombie or ghost guide.

Scumbomination

Yeah, you heard me.

Origin

Tales speak of a slothful aristocrat who lived in a dank, filthy mansion. He had just one maid who worked herself to painful misery cleaning up after him. It was a thankless job that grew more difficult each day until the work was totally beyond her ability. She died at the age of 71, collapsed in a heap of dust. Her body wasn’t noticed for several days. Her tale is tragic, but not unique. Similar circumstances have led to tragic deaths and many victims have returned to the material sphere, eternally performing their unpleasant duties.

Physical Description

A scumbomination appears as a tall, scrawny humanoid, black with soot. It has no teeth and its mouth is a black void. Its entire body is covered in cobwebs and loose hairs.

Modus Operandi

Scumbominations are drawn to filthy living environments such as run-down apartment buildings, project developments, and cheap retirement homes. It can be heard long before it arrives because of its haunting mournful wail. It seeps in through tiny cracks in walls, doors, or windows and then absorbs dirt, dust, crumbs, cobwebs and other such fragments. It also swallows up rats, mice, roaches and other such pests, consuming their life essence. Then when its work is complete, it seeps back out and leaves a refreshing pine scent.

Strengths and Weaknesses

You can slow the creature by presenting it with a mirror. This will cause it to attempt to consume the filth it sees in its mirror image. The undead are kinda stupid that way. Caution: Giving it a vacuum makes it even stronger.

How to kill it

A scumbomination can be destroyed with an incantation of “You’re fired.” Or you can let it down gently with, “I’ll have to let you go,” or, “I’m afraid your services are no longer required.”

It then shrivels up and explodes into a pile of rat corpses.

If you don’t want to destroy it, you can temporarily dismiss it with, “Thank you, that will be all.”

Jabber

(A.K.A. The Talking Dead)

A jabber is a corpse that communicates with other jabbers.

Origin

This happens whenever two people are killed at the exact same moment by frighteningly similar circumstances. Such as if both are simultaneously hit by lightning or crushed by a falling piano. This creates a metaphysical link between the two, allowing and in fact forcing them to communicate with each other over infinitely long distances.

That or gypsies did it. Frigging gypsies.

Physical Description

Jabbers look like perfectly ordinary corpses, though they are usually buried so you can’t see them anyway.

Modus Operandi

Jabbers speak to each other. Loudly. In fact, their voices are projected for miles through solid ground, walls, and other such barriers. Since their linked jabber may be in another city, or even on the other side of the world, their conversations will be extremely one-sided for anyone who hears them.

Depending on how compatible their personalities are, this may come out as “Oh yes, the weather is lovely” or “No, you listen, Bernice. I am sick and tired of putting up with your crap!”

Strengths and Weaknesses

Like many undead creatures, jabbers are stronger during the night. During the day, they tend to stay dormant (or more so than usual), but usually begin their long conversations at dusk.

It is possible to appeal directly to the spirits to stop, and it is not uncommon for people to trek out into the graveyard at night, find the grave and scream down into it, “Shut up in there!” This has mixed results as six feet of dirt tends to muffle non-supernatural sound.

Pouring a ring of salt around the grave confines their sound to the circle at least up until someone accidentally breaks the circle, usually by stepping on it, or cleaning it. Graveyard caretakers pretty much hate when you dump crap on the ground like that, especially when you salt the earth so nothing will ever grow again.

Another option is to dig up the corpse and soundproof its coffin. Filling the coffin with cement works well.

Note that sometimes jabbers are not buried, but cremated. This is severely annoying if the ashes are in a nearby urn because you really can’t escape the loud chatter. It does make it much easier to trace a circle of salt around it, though.

How to kill it

If you went so far as to actually dig it up, I strongly recommend just talking to the jabber first and seeing if you can work something out. Maybe it didn’t realize it was being disruptive. If destroying the creature is your only option, this can be done by sprinkling the blood of a talk show host or famous orator on the body and then saying something in Latin. It probably doesn’t matter what. Anything in Latin just seems really powerful against the undead for some reason. I wish I knew why. Latin isn’t even the oldest language in the world. Maybe ancient Greek or Hebrew might work too. If you know either of these, give it a try. It can’t hurt.

If the body was cremated you can sprinkle the blood on the ashes. If the ashes have been scattered, good freaking luck.

Matt

A Matt is a spirit that takes on a symbiotic relationship with a person named Matt. Not everyone named Matt is a Matt, but all Matts are named Matt. It’s not as confusing as it sounds, I promise.

Origin

Probably oh about a thousand years ago, someone named Matthew (the short form wasn’t invented then) committed a horrible crime. The actual nature of the crime has been lost to legend but the important thing is that his crime was too heinous to go unpunished. The town elders rounded up dozens of men all named Matthew. After several days of investigation they were unable to determine who the true guilty party was and had the entire group executed by mincing. In a bizarre twist of fate, one of the elders was named Matthew but was exempted from punishment. Several days later, that Matthew was also minced under mysterious circumstances. Ever since, the spirits of those Matthews have lived on, seeking revenge against the spirit of the Matthew that committed the crime, and the Matthew that unfairly sentenced them.

Physical Description

Matts, inhabiting the body of a person named Matt, look exactly like any human being that is named Matt. It is impossible to tell a true Matt apart from actual humans named Matt.

Modus Operandi

Though Matts do not target the living, they are very dangerous and unscrupulous. Once a Matt has bonded with its host, a Matt seeks out other Matts and attempts to destroy them. There can be only one. Every time a Matt kills another Matt, it becomes more powerful and climbs higher on the Matt pyramid. Many innocent people are often harmed in the process. Once there is only one Matt left, its business on this world will be finished and will depart for the afterlife.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Saying the full name of the Matt into a reflective surface three times will summon it. If the reflective surface is a mirror, it traps the Matt inside, but if it’s a window they tend to just appear behind it, and if it’s a body of water it just causes them to get wet. A Matt trapped in a mirror is freed if the mirror is smashed. Caution: If more than one Matt have the same last name, you may summon several at once. Avoid summoning a Matt Smith.

Also, Matts only possess people named Matt, so maybe just stop calling your kids Matt already.

How to kill it

To kill a Matt you must drive a wooden stake into his heart. Then when he is stunned, you must shoot him in the forehead with a wrought iron bullet. If you miss the forehead, the bullet will not count. You must remove the stake and start over. Once he has been shot, you must cut off his head, then set fire to the remains. Then spread the ashes on toast and feed it to a priest. Then burn the poo. Avoid doing this to two Matts at once or they’ll become jabbers.